Last Firsts

The last firsts are not something I considered until recently. Our youngest ran up to me one day last week and showed me a wiggly tooth. His first wiggly tooth in fact. And for some reason a massive wave of emotion crashed into me in that moment. It was the last first wiggly tooth we would have in our house. So as he and I celebrated this milestone, I held back tears until he was out of the room. Who knew a wiggly tooth would bring me to tears?

When we first discussed kids, I wanted four and my husband wanted two. He’s one of four. I’m one of two. Apparently we both wanted what the other had in terms of number of siblings. Well one very painful pregnancy and 37.5 hours of labor later, I was very much in his two kid only boat. Man-to-man coverage has been ideal and I’m not sure how we would have handled being outnumbered by kids. So here we are with our two, wonderfully sweet little monkey butts.

As the years go on, we will continue to hit new milestones and while I am beyond excited to watch them grow and gain independence and continue to explore this world, there is an intense growing pain that hits as a parent with each one. Recognizing that your job as a parent is to prepare them for each new chapter in their lives is difficult when you also realize that each new chapter typically takes them a bit further away from you.

Our youngest, the one who will unknowingly be the master of last firsts in our house has half day Fridays during the summer so he and I have been able to spend some extra time together lately which I have been soaking up as much as I can since it’s never been an option before. Two weeks ago, we ventured over to a local kid’s discovery museum type place close to our house. We traversed hiking paths and creeks to play in and pretty much hid ourselves in the lesser visited areas until the plethora of field trips present that day made their departure. Once lines were shorter and other areas more accessible, we also were able to enjoy the short but sweet train ride. As we settled into our train car, he tucked himself in the small area between my leg and the back of the car. Beyond the last firsts, I also realized the gravity of that singular moment. That for now, he fits in that perfectly triangular area and leans his body up against mine for the duration of the ride and wants to snuggle in just to be close. And it won’t be too long before he doesn’t fit there, is no longer interested in snuggles or doesn’t want to sit in the same train car as me and wants to sit independently. And whenever that day happens, it will sting but will of course be exciting to see him taking those next steps towards independence. But the hard part is, I won’t know that I’m in my last snuggly ride with him until it’s over. Until the first time that he doesn’t want to sit in that nook. And I’ll have missed that window for another ride like that. So I am going to soak in those moments as much as I can now.

They are both also somehow little and not-so-little all at the same time. When they grab my hand to walk somewhere, they alter between wrapping all their fingers around just one of mine or grabbing my entire hand. They still call out to me in the middle of the night after a bad dream or I hear the pitter patter of their little feet scurrying down the hallway to crawl into our bed and find comfort with their head on my pillow. They still want hugs after skinned knees or a tough day. They still run up to me every morning with massive hugs when I come downstairs for breakfast time. And yet I’m not rocking them to sleep anymore which feels like it was just yesterday. We are clearly beyond our diaper days. They want to take swim and piano lessons. Play on the soccer team. Want to try different sports next season. All incredible new adventures for them and ways to mix more last firsts into our lives.

We are currently preparing for a few last firsts and last lasts. The last last day of preschool followed shortly thereafter by the last first day of kindergarten. The last last day of having a 5-year old. We recently reveled in the last first visit from the Tooth Fairy. And with each of these lasts and firsts, we will close the door on certain chapters of our lives and start brand new ones. We will say goodbye to people that were only ever meant to be part of those last chapters and luckily we will be able to bring some with us into our new chapters. And it will be bittersweet and wonderful and there will inevitably be tears. Some for all to see and others that I will wipe away behind closed doors. Some that I am currently wiping away.

I suppose what I am saying is that there is a beautifully painful element to being a parent. Watching them grow into themselves more, figure out who they are with each day, what they love, what they want to avoid, what they want to be when they grow up – it’s all incredible. And I’m so lucky to be able to witness it all. And so grateful that there are still snuggles and the pitter patter of those little feet. For now, I’m going to do my best to remember how much I want and need those snuggles and much as they do, how lovely it is to lean down and kiss their littles heads when they are next to me and to soak up all of their little moments so that when we outgrow these little ones and I have to mourn the loss of snuggles, I am just as ever-present for the next chapter. And that even when the pitter patter fades away, their next steps, although bigger, are just as precious and amazing to witness.