Burnout is very real. And very damaging. Finding ways to take care of yourself in those moments is critical. I recognize how true this is after having maneuvered through this last year of leaving a toxic job and navigating the world post my departure. For me, I’ve found that I over commit quite frequently. It is something I’m working on but I still have a long way to go. Alleviating the pressure to constantly do more, certainly helps with the burnout. Learning it’s okay to say to “no” to something. Whether it’s a last minute request to be social when I’m not quite in the right mindset to do so or telling myself to slow down on the amount of “to do” items I feel is necessary to accomplish in a day. Pushing myself to continue to do more and more regardless of how I’m feeling only leads to burnout faster and to a more severe degree.
Learning to rest is another area I’m working on. I had to travel for work recently and was gone for the entire work week. I wasn’t halfway around the world or ten timezones away but even so, when I got back I was beyond exhausted. My natural instinct is to immediately start doing. Running errands. Cleaning the house. Finding more tasks to add to the list for whatever reason. And there is a level of guilt I feel when I’m not constantly moving.
This is where my husband steps in and helps me find a better balance to those moments. He’s always on board with helping me tackle my list or having a list of his own that he would like to complete. We regularly check in with each other before the weekend to see what items are on those lists and how we can help each other cross them off. And while his is always a reasonable number of things, mine somehow is 542 items that need to be completed in a 12-hour span of time. My list most definitely makes him cringe more often than not. It’s not always visible to the naked eye, but internally, I know there’s cringe happening. Understandably so.
Slowing down is a skill that I’m learning at 42 years old. It has taken me a long time to work on the balance, feeling less guilty when I want or need to take a break (the goal is to one day feel no guilt), knowing when I need to slow myself down, when I have to step back from something I may have already committed to and listening to when my body is screaming to slow down. I would like for my kids to learn these skills at a much younger age or at least impart on them different feelings around listening to your body.
As a result of some of the things I’ve been working on, we’ve implemented mental health days in our home. All four of us certainly need them and can benefit from them. My days are filled with work meetings and projects and phones calls about doctor’s appointments and grocery lists. My husband’s looks very similar. Our boys’ days happen to be filled with different activities but certainly no less filled. They are up in the morning to help pack their lunches, get ready for camp or school and then they are off to days filled with school or camp activities until 5pm or later. An entire day of going and going and going. So while I recognize that my body needs days of rest, it’s important to also see the need for their bodies to rest.
One day, they will get to the days filled with meetings and grocery shopping and managing a household and when they do, I want them to be prepared to give their bodies a rest when needed. And how to spot that overwhelm before it becomes damaging. They know now that they can request mental health days both from school or camp or a different activity they may have. Perfect attendance is not the name of the game in our house.
Mental health days can look like a day spent in pajamas, watching TV, playing video games or playing the one millionth game of UNO this month. However they choose to spend it, it is a time for them to slow down and take a break from the breakneck speed we expect everyone to move at constantly. Whether the mental health day is during the week and they actually get a day off of school or camp or just a “do nothing” day over the weekend, both are totally acceptable in our house. We’ve also had a few “get to play hooky from school” days when Bubba and Ma are in town. One is no less enjoyable than the other because they are all fulfilling some need at that time.
There are not unlimited mental health days. We obviously have conversations surrounding the need to listen to our bodies when overwhelmed but also the difference between really needing that break and just not wanting to go to camp or school. Just because we don’t want to go to school, doesn’t mean we can stay home. The difference between the two is fairly easy to spot. It’s clear when emotions are high and someone is struggling with the day from the get-go. It’s more than just “waking up on the wrong side of the bed” type feeling. There’s also typically a lead up to the actual mental health day where it’s clear that life is getting to be a bit too overwhelming.
Beyond simply getting a mental health day, we also try and talk through whatever it was that led up to needing that break. My husband and I want to help the boys identify ways to work through the emotions and situations that got them to that point and see if there are other ways we can support them through it all. One of our most recent mental health days was a result of bullying going on at summer camp. We spent some time with our son talking about what had happened and he how managed the situation at the time.
We want to hear our kids side of the story but also understand there are always others involved. With this situation, we discussed with the camp counselors what they noticed between the kids. If they had missed it, we would have flagged it for them so they could keep an eye out for the behavior and manage more directly if it arose again. In addition to that, if, as in this case, it does need to be addressed, we want to understand how it’s being addressed and what next steps look like. Our goal is also to show our kids that we will advocate and go to bat for them. On the other hand, if it’s our child that’s creating issues, then we also want to know about it. We’ve been on the side where we’ve had to discuss behavioral challenges with one of our kids during preschool years because as much as I would love to turn a blind eye and pretend our children could do no wrong, it’s simply not true. They are kids and are going to make mistakes and have difficult days, but unless we can call those out, talk about them and put into context how others must have felt in that scenario, we are doing our boys such a disservice.
These ages are so hard too because they want to be friends with everyone and sometimes that’s hard. We’ve discussed that there are times when good people have shitty days and others just may not be our people. While we want to be inclusive and teach that there’s “always room for one more at the table” (love this thought and it came from one of my nearest and dearest), that sentiment is not to the detriment of your mental health or physical safety. If someone is making you feel uncomfortable or being mean, you do not need to be friends with them and have every right to walk away and flag the issues for those in charge at the time. These can be challenging lessons to learn and implement as an adult, so as a kid they can feel nearly impossible at times, which is again why we want our boys to know that we are in their corner to support and help however we can.
This is all a long winded way to say that our implementing mental health days across the board has been good for all of us. Taking the time to recognize your body needs a break from “to do” lists and meetings and play dates and laundry and all of the things is such a plus. I highly suggest some “do nothing” days on the weekends. They have become ways to snuggle and relax together while recharging batteries. Mental health days will be something we carry forward in all our lives. I look forward to the down time but also to the lessons we can learn from slowing down a bit and finding ways to care for ourselves at the same time.
Too Much Laundry, Not Enough Wine 